Beach(es) Beat

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There appears to be a lot of juicy stuff going on around the country these days but nobody is coming up with any serious details.

It is not for lack of trying.

Seasoned observers of newspapers all over the country are trying to get to the bottom of various scandals, and attention is being focused on the former cabinet minister's former acquaintance but precious little is being brought forth in the way of the facts.

Rumours and innuendo are all we are getting and as a member of the public I demand to know just exactly what is going on or coming off as the case may be.

The best we get are vaguely worded comments such as "highly placed sources have hinted that" or what is even more inconclusive, "the whisper around water coolers in government offices all over Ottawa is" and I find all that bafflegab highly frustrating although I do see a glimmer of light among all that murky talk.

There is no point in chasing those so-called highly placed sources in search of the truth because in the current political climate nobody gets to talk to them anyway but I do see an opportunity floating in this water cooler business.

If the real dope is to be found in discussions around that particular piece of office equipment my suggestion is let's bug the water coolers. It may be necessary to train spies in the science of deciphering the signals that water gives off and while I do not pretend to be an expert in that field, I have a few suggestions I am pleased to pass along.

If the water is bubbling that could be a sign of a hot rumour worth pursuing.

On the other hand, if the water is cold and lifeless, it would be a clear indication that the rumour is an old one or what is even worse, it could have been planted by one of the anti-water cooler groups that have sprung up all over the country.

These groups are quite capable of infiltrating water coolers and if you think this has happened in your office, I would suggest you keep your eyes peeled for the presence of tiny little mermaids equipped with sonar devices lurking in the shallow end.

Now that I have that out of the way, I want to turn my attention to a matter of more local interest.

Once again this year, that glorious institution called the Canadian National Exhibition will put on its annual show and once again in certain circles it will be called out of date and not in tune with the modern world. I have a suggestion that I am sure will put those falsehoods to rest and here it is: the slogan for this year's edition should be Ex and The City, and Canada's own Kim Cattrall should preside over the opening ceremonies.