But Seriously

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You don't have to follow cycling closely to know that the overall leader each day in the Tour de France receives the honour of wearing the prestigious yellow jersey, or maillot jaune.

The yellow jersey has become so recognizable that even in black and white photos in the newspaper, you can easily pick out the recipient each day from the rest of the fray. What is not as well known, however, is that there are two other coveted jerseys handed out to cyclists each year during the Tour de France, now in its 95th year.

The red polka dot jersey goes to the top climber during the Tour's challenging mountain stages and the green jersey is given to the general points leader, a formula based on consistency during all of the various stages.

Personally, I don't think it should stop there.

Given the enormous popularity of the event worldwide and the enormous challenges presented by the grueling, 21-stage, 35-kilometre affair, I say it's high time they introduced a few more awards.

If I were running the Tour, which began July 5 in Brest and concludes July 25 in Paris, these are the ones I'd add:

THE GREY DUNCE CAP

To the rider who forgets to lift up his kickstand and gets stranded at the starting line.

THE SILVER HANDCUFFS

To the trainer each day who gets busted for supplying his team with steroids.

THE RED SUSPENDERS

To the Tour publicist each day who puts out the most fires associated with the latest drug scandal.

THE GOLDEN HALO

To the first rider on the Tour who actually passes a dope test.

THE WHITE TOWEL

To the first rider to drop out as the Tour first enters the Alps.

THE BLACK G-STRING

To the first rider who suffers an atomic wedgie on the ascent up the Alps. (If you don't know what an atomic wedgie is, ask your eight-year old son.)

THE ITSY BITSY TEENIE WEENIE YELLOW POLKA DOT BIKINI

To be given to the woman in the crowd most likely to cause a 25-bike pile-up.

THE PURPLE SILK PAJAMAS

Sorry, false alarm. That was Hugh Hefner who dropped by from the film festival in nearby Cannes to catch some of the action. You've got to hand it to Hef. He's the only guy in the world who can be seen in public in silk pajamas and actually pull it off.

THE STRIPED SHIRT

Last false alarm. That was NHL referee Kerry Fraser standing at the side of the road cheering on the riders. He's killing time before next season.

And last and certainly not least, the hallowed BEIGE CARDIGAN

To the rider deemed most likely to become an Osmond brother after he retires.